So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
