Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
