I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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