I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
