She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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