Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
