oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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