Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
