obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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