you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
