You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Still dying that you shit outside
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
