Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
