i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
