oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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