I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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