your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
