Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
