Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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