it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
