My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
