One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
pop tarts are not kleenex
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
