Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
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This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
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I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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