Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I want her autograph on my taint
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
