Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
