I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize