I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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