Your mouth is God's brothel.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
