I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
