I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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