They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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