can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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