i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
