I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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