Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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