He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
