I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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