you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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