singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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