I am puke
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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