Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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