At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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