I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
