I've blown a few things in my day
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
