Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
