good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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