She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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