Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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