saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
