i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
