so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The ass gains better be worth it
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