Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
