Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
