So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
